I know it's Monday, but I keep thinking it's the weekend. Maybe that's why I am still awake. I really should be sleeping so I can keep up with my 19 month old tomorrow. Maybe I just need to clear my head first. I wish I could see at night, I'd go for a run. That would definitely clear my head and relieve this anxious energy that keeps building inside me.
The logical part of me knows that everything is okay. My surgery is 8 days away and I know what to expect. I'll go in after fasting after midnight. They will ask me a bunch of questions, hook me up to an IV and roll me through the recovery room to the cath lab. After giving me some medicine to relax (hopefully it works this time), I'll get 2 small incisions and they will put the device in my heart. I'll go back to the recovery room within 2 hours and be up walking around as soon as the bleeding stops. Then I'll be headed home to recover.
However the emotional part of me remembers how it took a solid week before I could pick up Maddison. I was under the impression that I'd be back to normal in a couple days. Then it took over a month for the swelling and bruising to heal. So that has me concerned, this time I'm getting the real deal. I'll have the device in my heart and will have to take it even easier than before so that it doesn't move before it has time to heal. Then there's the fact that my migraines will probably be worse for 3 - 6 months.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and relieved to finally be at this point. But I'm nervous about what happens during the recovery period. I think I need to adopt the AA motto of the Serenity Prayer. Maybe I should write that on all of my bathroom mirrors.
Since running is out of the question right now, I guess I'll have to get to work on my to do list. I've got diaper cakes galore to make, along with mother's day gifts and some belated birthday gifts. Between those projects and taking care of Maddison, plus another thorough house cleaning I think I should be able to stay busy. And during the evenings when all is quiet I'll type away on my new blog so I can lay down and sleep with a clear head.
Thanks to all of you for being such a great support system. Especially when I get anxious, I know it's not easy to put up with me right now. So thank you, I owe you one.
Jade
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
A long week
Today I am grateful for so many things. It's been a crazy week and a crazy day. Thank God at some point things switch from boiling over stress to one thing at a time working itself out. I had my heart surgery in February. It was a clinical trial and I had a 50/50 chance of getting the hole in my heart fixed. It was especially nerve racking because no one could talk during the procedure. Mind you I was awake, and anyone who knows me well knows I'm a bit anxious and high strung so this didn't sit well. The anestiseologist had to give me the medicine 4 or 5 times to try and get me to relax, and I was still wide awake during the entire procedure...at least they will be able to talk to me this time. Maybe that will help me relax.
I learned later that they had to stop half way through because I have a 20mm hole in my heart. Unfortunately the trial device wasn't big enough to close this and would have caused more problems. Dr. Sorensen who came up with the idea to close ASDs and PFOs this way had a much smaller hole than mine, 7 or 8mm if I remember correctly, and had 2 strokes before he could get his fixed. Luckily I had a great surgeon who realized that and didn't put it in my heart. That would have led to open heart surgery at the very least. And what a blessing to have these great surgeons go up to bat for me before the board at IMC so that I could get my surgery approved before I have a second, and potentially more debilitating stroke. And what a blessing to have such an amazing insurance company who will cover my surgery without having to beg and plead and hope to God I don't have a second stroke.
That came with it's own stresses. Taking Aspirin everyday in the hopes of preventing a stroke, which according to the doctors I may have already had one (hello I'm only 31 and I don't smoke!). Then the bills started coming in. Might I remind you this was through a clinical trial so the research company was supposed to be paying the bills. However this has turned out to be a huge blessing. My insurance paid all but $800 of it. Now my deductible has been met, my out of pocket for the year has almost been met and the research company paid the balance today. Huge relief to me.
My soon to be 19 month old went pee in the potty 3 days in a row. This has only been 1 time each day but that is huge progress. I would absolutely love for her to be potty trained since she is a nudist like my sister, maybe that should be sisters lol.
Speaking of nudity...I was wondering again today why I bother to put clothes on. Maddison loves to untie my drawstring, which makes my pants fall off and laughs hysterically. Thank God for humor everyday with her or I would go crazy.
Which leads me to another thought. It's coming up to my 19 month anniversary of not working for pay. I've been asked lots of times what I do when I get bored. When have I ever gotten bored, maybe when I worked full time and didn't have a baby to take care of. If only I would have listened and slept as much as I wanted to when I was younger.
I'm also grateful that my mother in law was able to come down last weekend and watch Maddison. Ben took me to Vegas for my MOMS Club seminar. It was nice to have couple time. Especially since we have only been on 3 dates since she was born. I'm so happy that she didn't cry a bunch while we were gone, I'm pretty sure I cried enough for all of us.
I'm also very grateful for my BFF Briana who loaned my a portable dvd player. Talk about making a long drive so much better. Put a little girl in front of Lady and The Tramp and that interstate goes by so much faster!
And before I go off to kindleland I'm grateful for good friends and an amazing family. My surgery is supposed to be a cath like last time, slightly longer healing since my hole will actually get closed this time. However nerve racking it is if it all goes well, I know that if anything goes wrong I've got the most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for who will help take care of me, my daughter and my husband until I can recover. Thank you all for your love and support!!!
Happy Friday!
Jade
I learned later that they had to stop half way through because I have a 20mm hole in my heart. Unfortunately the trial device wasn't big enough to close this and would have caused more problems. Dr. Sorensen who came up with the idea to close ASDs and PFOs this way had a much smaller hole than mine, 7 or 8mm if I remember correctly, and had 2 strokes before he could get his fixed. Luckily I had a great surgeon who realized that and didn't put it in my heart. That would have led to open heart surgery at the very least. And what a blessing to have these great surgeons go up to bat for me before the board at IMC so that I could get my surgery approved before I have a second, and potentially more debilitating stroke. And what a blessing to have such an amazing insurance company who will cover my surgery without having to beg and plead and hope to God I don't have a second stroke.
That came with it's own stresses. Taking Aspirin everyday in the hopes of preventing a stroke, which according to the doctors I may have already had one (hello I'm only 31 and I don't smoke!). Then the bills started coming in. Might I remind you this was through a clinical trial so the research company was supposed to be paying the bills. However this has turned out to be a huge blessing. My insurance paid all but $800 of it. Now my deductible has been met, my out of pocket for the year has almost been met and the research company paid the balance today. Huge relief to me.
My soon to be 19 month old went pee in the potty 3 days in a row. This has only been 1 time each day but that is huge progress. I would absolutely love for her to be potty trained since she is a nudist like my sister, maybe that should be sisters lol.
Speaking of nudity...I was wondering again today why I bother to put clothes on. Maddison loves to untie my drawstring, which makes my pants fall off and laughs hysterically. Thank God for humor everyday with her or I would go crazy.
Which leads me to another thought. It's coming up to my 19 month anniversary of not working for pay. I've been asked lots of times what I do when I get bored. When have I ever gotten bored, maybe when I worked full time and didn't have a baby to take care of. If only I would have listened and slept as much as I wanted to when I was younger.
I'm also grateful that my mother in law was able to come down last weekend and watch Maddison. Ben took me to Vegas for my MOMS Club seminar. It was nice to have couple time. Especially since we have only been on 3 dates since she was born. I'm so happy that she didn't cry a bunch while we were gone, I'm pretty sure I cried enough for all of us.
I'm also very grateful for my BFF Briana who loaned my a portable dvd player. Talk about making a long drive so much better. Put a little girl in front of Lady and The Tramp and that interstate goes by so much faster!
And before I go off to kindleland I'm grateful for good friends and an amazing family. My surgery is supposed to be a cath like last time, slightly longer healing since my hole will actually get closed this time. However nerve racking it is if it all goes well, I know that if anything goes wrong I've got the most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for who will help take care of me, my daughter and my husband until I can recover. Thank you all for your love and support!!!
Happy Friday!
Jade
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Starting Point
I've always wanted to start a blog. I admire those that I follow and how dedicated they are. I myself follow blogs from crafts to couponing and enjoy them too much!
Today is a big day for me. I have been approved not only by the hospital board, but also by my insurance company to have my heart fixed. I am so excited. I know that the road ahead has complications and trials of it's own. However it has an end in sight, which means I can be the mom I've always hoped to be for my 18 month old daughter. Any of you who have children can appreciated how amazing it is to have a baby. They are amazing to say the least. They start out needing everything from you and quickly turn into these amazing little independent creatures. Nothing in the world would make me want to give up my daughter, not money or fame. She is amazing! I'm hoping through this journey that those of you who are struggling too can feel like you're not alone. Motherhood is difficult, quite possibly the most challenging career I have ever embarked upon.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was tiny. My mom even has pictures of me nursing curious george. At the age of 29 I was finally blessed with my daughter. After an emergency c-section and struggles with breastfeeding, she has turned into the most beautiful person I have ever met. I hope that sharing my struggles and triumphs with motherhood and health problems helps you in your everyday lives.
Jade
Today is a big day for me. I have been approved not only by the hospital board, but also by my insurance company to have my heart fixed. I am so excited. I know that the road ahead has complications and trials of it's own. However it has an end in sight, which means I can be the mom I've always hoped to be for my 18 month old daughter. Any of you who have children can appreciated how amazing it is to have a baby. They are amazing to say the least. They start out needing everything from you and quickly turn into these amazing little independent creatures. Nothing in the world would make me want to give up my daughter, not money or fame. She is amazing! I'm hoping through this journey that those of you who are struggling too can feel like you're not alone. Motherhood is difficult, quite possibly the most challenging career I have ever embarked upon.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was tiny. My mom even has pictures of me nursing curious george. At the age of 29 I was finally blessed with my daughter. After an emergency c-section and struggles with breastfeeding, she has turned into the most beautiful person I have ever met. I hope that sharing my struggles and triumphs with motherhood and health problems helps you in your everyday lives.
Jade
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